the end of us

my heart shatters again,
but to you it’s just manipulative pain
i tell you how bad it hurts,
but to you i’m just being a victim

my broken heart
blindly offers you its best pieces,
when it should keep them to itself
for better care

you always kept other doors opened,
when to me
the path yours opened
was the only one i wanted to take

you say i always overreact,
yet i’ve burnt myself endless times
to keep you warm
until i was consumed
couldn’t light myself up for you anymore
couldn’t fight you any longer

you blame me for who i am
for being just too much

i wish for you to love
as deeply as i did
selflessly
hopelessly
unconditionally
inevitably

@saramerinofdez

Celebrate Yourself

“Success is liking yourself, liking what you do and liking how you do it.” – Maya Angelou

e80ba259d5dd184c87668d6a4561e320When achieving whatever it is you have on your mind, you’re told to keep moving forward, not to look back (“it’s the past anyways”), not to dwell on what you were, what you wanted to be and what you actually are now. We think we don’t make any progress because we never stop to take a breath and reflect on how far we’ve come along the way.  It is only the big changes that we notice, but it is the daily routines that matter: the acts we should be proud of. Everyday, we grow, we shift our perspective, we adjust our behavior and we change small things that no longer serve us. Combining all those actions, we get tremendous change without even noticing. Overall, we operate differently.

Sometimes we also get overwhelmed by all this and don’t act properly towards it. We don’t celebrate it. We feel good about it, but we tell ourselves that just because we’ve come this far, we must get better. There’s no getting better without enjoying your present self. There’s no progress without current satisfaction. There’s not well-being without moments to celebrate our victories. It’s not being overly-confident about what we do, it’s loving ourselves so deeply that there’s no room for bad old ways.

There’s nothing wrong with “me time”, there’s no selfish act in not going to all the social events because you need time for your mind to distress and get back into being focused on being your best self. By celebrating yourself, you celebrate others. It means vibrating in your highest rate which can only lead to making others want to vibrate at such high level too.

 

The images belong to Pinterest.com

@saramerinofdez

TOXIC LOVE

 

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You claim to lover her, yet you show no signs of what loving someone is. You say she is what you need, yet you turn to other people to fill the spaces within your being. You say you take good care of her, yet she doesn’t know about your dark side. You say you’re broken, yet you don’t let yourself bleed to heal. You say you’re tired, yet you live in a vicious circle. You want to escape so bad, yet you have chains around your feet hooked on your comfort ground. You say you need me, yet you drown me to lift yourself up. You say I’m extraordinary, yet it is too much for you to handle. You say you want big things, yet you settle for the most average. You run around in circles looking for the solution to your sadness, yet it is your circumstances that make you sad.

She lives in a fairytale, yet she hasn’t read the whole story. She thinks of you as superman, yet she doesn’t know about all your dirty work. She believes you adore her, yet you don’t have to work hard for her love. She says you do work hard, yet you know all the tricks to make her stay. She gives you every part of her heart, yet she doesn’t know your heart isn’t exclusively hers. She carries thousands of scars in her soul, yet the wounds were there because of you. She hopes one day you’ll change, yet she keeps settling for the pieces you choose to give her. She wants to show the world how happy you two are, just in case what she fears is actually reality.

The image belongs to Pinterest.com

@saramerinofdez

I’m not broken anymore.

“If you’re open, if you’re generous, if you’re vulnerable and if you’re not cynical about love, life, happiness and excitement…, I want that life for you, because I think you’ll have a much more beautiful life.” – Taylor Swift

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I’ve found myself lately in a situation I hadn’t been in for a long time. That situation used to control my life. It controlled the outcome of everything. I hadn’t found myself there for many months. I knew that months had gone by and that things had changed, but I didn’t realize how much I had actually changed until I found myself there again.

Reconnecting with someone you loved, and still love, with all your heart and soul, is always challenging. Time has passed, you have switched your patterns, your responses to situations you didn’t even think about doing before, how you treat yourself and most importantly, how you think of yourself. It’s not until the same situation hits you again that you notice all these changes, how far you’ve come.

It’s hard to see our progress because we’re connected to our thoughts 24/7 and a bunch of shit goes through them that makes us question if we have got any better. You dream about not feeling the way you used to, about not falling back on your old ways and you’re afraid of the possibility of getting close to it once again and not being strong enough to remember all that you’ve learnt. “All the shit I went through can’t be for nothing”.

We get so caught up in our suffering, in what happened and in the thought that “It’s always going to be this way, I just can’t help it.” and we don’t take notice of our own evolution. The strange thing happens when you face the situation again and it feels completely the same, yet remarkably different. It no longer fuels your being, it no longer takes away your happiness when it’s not present, it no longer holds your self-worth and it no longer defines your future. You can still love and not hurt. You’re clean to start again and it feels amazing.

The image belongs to Pinterest.com

@saramerinofdez

Days where you’re just not good enough.

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Not being enough is a concept more established in our society than what we would like it to be. The worst part comes when it’s a temporary feeling that you have to ignore with all the will left in yourself. Like in those bad days where you feel ugly and unworthy. The day after you were feeling great about yourself and now everything crumbles around you and every single thing is just “NOT OKAY”. It’s not even bad. It’s not even sad. It’s just not okay.

The funny thing is that you don’t have a clue about what you mean with “not okay”. Is it a state of being established by whatever that’s bothering your mind in that specific moment? What has changed since yesterday where you were feeling yourself to the point were nothing could steal that peace of mind? All the things you felt capable of doing and achieving can’t no longer be considered, because you’re just not good enough.

We see famous and successful people who make everything seem so damn effortless in our eyes that we wonder why we can act like that and why we don’t go full-force everyday. Why don’t we wake up super motivated every morning. Why we don’t feel like doing what we’re supposed to be extremely excited to do. Why. Why. Why.

There’s no concrete answer to those questions but to remind ourselves that people who have their smiling faces on a billboard, models who write on their social media what a kick-ass workout they had today, entrepreneurs who have huge houses and their bills paid, people who preach having a care-free life, etc. have bad, horrible days too where nothing makes sense. It’s something human. You can’t always feel like a superhero and neither will you feel like crap forever. Just breathe and have trust in something bigger than the bullshit you’re telling yourself why you’re not good enough. You are.

 

The image belongs to Pinterest.com

@saramerinofdez

The dictator who lives inside my head.

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Wake up. Get ready. Have your super-healthy-but-not-hard-on-yourself breakfast.  Go to school. Stay focused. But don’t forget to have a good time. Interact with people. If you don’t socialize you’ll feel sooo bad. Plan your afternoon. Don’t be on social media for too long, it’s bad. But also stay updated, you don’t want to miss out on what happened while you put your phone away. I know you want to have chocolate but eat that apple, SO much healthier. You don’t want to NOT like yourself right? Finish that homework. You don’t want to procrastinate. Work out. Everyone else is doing it while you’re sitting there on your lazy ass. Just make time for it. Other people do. You have to be able to. Eat your dinner at a reasonable time so your body can process it before you go to bed. This way you’re less likely to put on weight. Remember. You DON’T want that. Go to sleep early. You know all the disadvantages that come if you don’t. You don’t want bad skin. You don’t want a headache. You certainly don’t want to be unproductive the next day.

To every motivational saying, there’s a dark thought. It’s easy to fool people by saying you just do things for yourself, to feel good. Sometimes you do, sometimes it’s just bullshit. It’s not even about keeping up with everybody else, it’s more like not disappointing the you-have-to-stay-on-top-of-things voice that rules your bad days, your I-just-don’t-feel-like-doing-anything today, the times you feel bad about being lost because you probably should be finding solutions to your problems already, etc.

In such fast-paced society, we don’t have the time needed to sit back and look at what we’re doing, at where we’re heading towards. We keep ourselves busy in case we have spare time to feel low. Having a bad day after having had one where all the squares on your to-do list were checked is not rewarding, it sucks. It’s sucks a lot. Our automatic behavior is to criticize ourselves for not keeping up with yesterday’s attitude, instead of telling ourselves that we can get back up from the “failure” of the day and do the best we can from there. It’s not an easy process learning to master the voice of the devil in your head, but just keep going and treat yourself as good as you do when you succeed. Put the same amount of effort you put on controlling everything into being gentle with yourself when you feel like quitting.

The images belong to Pinterest.com

@saramerinofdez

It’s not you, it’s your mind.

IMG_4675What do you do when you take three steps back after having taken two forward? How do you not expect yourself to having known better than what you just did? It always comes back to the incredibly heavy pressure we put on ourselves. It seems like you have your shit together and you’re FINALLY getting over it until it hits you like a train wreck once again. This time you don’t shatter into pieces, but you surely do bend until the point of breaking.

When you’re a perfectionist slash extremely demanding of yourself, not getting what you want, having a change of plans or things going in another direction than the one planned is very challenging for the mind. Although most times it’s not our defeat, it’s just a change of events, the mind doesn’t accept it. “You should have done it differently.”, “You should have had more patience.”, “You haven’t learnt a single thing in this whole time.”…blahblahblah. Shut that voice down. It’s not yours. It’s not coming from your heart. It’s your sometimes-hard-to-identify mean girl who lives inside your head.

Everyday we try to cope with our problems the smartest, sometimes easiest way we can. We don’t always use our heart, we mostly turn to pride to please our mean girl so she cannot criticize our actions for being weak. We are used to not saying what we really think because then it just might turn into our reality.

There’s no peace of mind without speaking it first. Let everything out, pour your heart out with the words that come from the pureness of your soul. Only after doing all of that you can pick which turn to take next with no voices wandering around your head nor any “what ifs”. Act in the form of love.

 

The images belong to Pinterest.com

@saramerinofdez