Most days I go by just fine. Some days are just so great that the memory of you doesn’t float on the back of my head. Other days I find myself wanting you to be here, wanting to tell you everything that has been going on since we’ve been apart. I feel so different. Everything has changed so drastically that I wonder how you would see me now. It’s all changing so much at such crazy speed that my mind has no spare time to look back at what it was, at what we were. Just on days where your absence hurts a little too much.
I don’t even feel bad about missing you. Earning a spot in my heart is not easy, but you managed to get a permanent one. The image of you fades a little bit more each day. Thinking of you doesn’t hurt like it used to and I no longer feel the need to reach you whenever I feel like sharing what can be a stupid joke or simply my journey.
I’ve learnt to find the unexplainable feeling I got every time I thought about you within myself. It feels weird to no longer ache for your absence, to no longer wait for you to rescue me. You were never going to. I had to do it myself.
I’m not even angry anymore. It’s just sad. Sad as in those times when you know there’s no other way. It’s not fixable. It can’t be taken back. My heart has eventually forgiven you and forgiven itself for blaming myself for having given you every piece of what I thought was the complete me. I lost myself the moment I knew I had lost US. Fortunately, I found a way back to the real me. The one I had no time to get to know because I was trapped in the idea of what you thought I was like.
I want you to know that going through hell and back made me realize why it had to happen, why it’s better this way. My heart still holds a place for you, it’s just on silent right now.
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