“Bravery is not the absence of fear. Bravery is feeling the fear, the doubt, the insecurity and deciding that something else is more important.” – Mark Mason
I can’t recall all the times I didn’t do something convincing myself that I just didn’t feel like it and that it was okay, but really it was just tremendous fear creeping on me. We have to be BRUTALLY honest with ourselves. We may have the ability to fool others, but we definitely can’t sugarcoat the truth to our own minds. It just doesn’t work no matter how hard we run from what’s really stopping us. Problems don’t evaporate until we solve them.
Being a sometimes extrovert, sometimes introvert is no fun. The easiest act in some situations can be the scariest one in others and the harsh truth is that you can have the most accurate words or act the most believable way, but your vibe speaks for you. You can’t outsmart your body language. You only speak confidently when confidence speaks through you. “The eyes chico, they never lie.” The eyes are the ones who hold the truth.
The sooner you realize that nobody cares about your insecurities, the sooner you’ll start facing them. Your fears don’t get you a free-pass to where you want to get without having to do all the dirty work required first. They are not an excuse nor your worst enemy. They are what gets you to where you had wanted to go all along and didn’t because of all the incapability bullshit you told yourself. Get real with yourself and start making things happen.
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Most days I go by just fine. Some days are just so great that the memory of you doesn’t float on the back of my head. Other days I find myself wanting you to be here, wanting to tell you everything that has been going on since we’ve been apart. I feel so different. Everything has changed so drastically that I wonder how you would see me now. It’s all changing so much at such crazy speed that my mind has no spare time to look back at what it was, at what we were. Just on days where your absence hurts a little too much.
I don’t even feel bad about missing you. Earning a spot in my heart is not easy, but you managed to get a permanent one. The image of you fades a little bit more each day. Thinking of you doesn’t hurt like it used to and I no longer feel the need to reach you whenever I feel like sharing what can be a stupid joke or simply my journey.
I’ve learnt to find the unexplainable feeling I got every time I thought about you within myself. It feels weird to no longer ache for your absence, to no longer wait for you to rescue me. You were never going to. I had to do it myself.
I’m not even angry anymore. It’s just sad. Sad as in those times when you know there’s no other way. It’s not fixable. It can’t be taken back. My heart has eventually forgiven you and forgiven itself for blaming myself for having given you every piece of what I thought was the complete me. I lost myself the moment I knew I had lost US. Fortunately, I found a way back to the real me. The one I had no time to get to know because I was trapped in the idea of what you thought I was like.
I want you to know that going through hell and back made me realize why it had to happen, why it’s better this way. My heart still holds a place for you, it’s just on silent right now.
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Today’s society is constantly changing. You can delete someone from your life at the same speed that you add someone new. In just one click you have made a life decision. We erase from social media those who hurt us in order to not suffer any longer, yet we want to be updated on what they’re doing, just in case they’re doing better. Are we afraid of them moving on faster than us? Do we want to see how our absence is affecting them? Do we even want to see them hurting for what they did to us? Why do we put that enormous amount of pressure on ourselves?
Social media affects us in all ways, even if we develop the thickest skin. We follow people who does us no good because keeping up with what they’re doing while tricking our minds into believing that there’s no act of comparison in what we’re doing is easier than owning up to our own shit. Why don’t we JUST LET GO?
We’re supposed to be following what feeds our head with good stuff, what inspires us, the things that make us smile because we feel fulfilled. Instead, we keep having a conversation between our soul and our mean girl where the first one wants to free ourselves so badly from all the bad influences but the second one tells us that we CAN’T just unfollow the whole bunch of people who has been there since our first ugly and wrong filtered picture. It’s hard to take back your control over such stupid things when you’re basically being told every day that that is the “normal” way of living. We know better. We have to know better.
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It seems as if these days vulnerability and empathy were just disadvantages on getting someone to like you or be interested in you. Wrong.
In today’s generation, everyone is trying their best to polish their appearance, to make themselves look good in every situation and to get used to snapping out of any setback that may come their way. “No feelings attached” is not a way of living. It’s cool when you hear it in songs. You feel like a badass for five minutes but then you’re thrown into reality once again. There’s no healthy way of living like that. Even when you are 100% happy with yourself, your life and your achievements, you still need other people. Well, maybe not need, but you WANT people to stick by you in those situations. To be happy FOR you, which seems like a rare thing to do now that it’s more common to talk trash and secretly wish unhappiness to “your friends” than it is to genuinely support them through everything they experience.
Let yourself feel every ounce of pain, every misfortune, every “I don’t know why this is happening to me. I don’t deserve this.”, every mistreatment. Bad things and obstacles take us to places perfectly tailored for our growth. It rains for a while and some days it feels like the clouds are above your head to stay forever. They’re not. It means you’re changing, which is challenging, uncomfortable and hard to accept. The storm has to be felt inside of you. You have to sometimes feel your heart being ripped out of your chest to feel like sunshine again. It’s not about getting hurt and coming back giving 0 fucks. It’s about looking for your highest good and still looking after other humans. Caring and protecting others is true love and being selfish with your needs is too. Know when it’s right to act on something and when you have to walk away.
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When it comes to letting go, there’s never THE RIGHT TIME to do it, there’s no sign flashing at your eyes and there’s no guarantee that it will be the right choice. However, something deep down our hearts knows it’s right. Our hearts stick with us through every disappointment, through every “I don’t deserve this…, but maybe I’m just looking at it the wrong way and it’s all in my mind and I have to change my perspective.”, through all the times you burst into tears questioning yourself because the one who’s supposed to love you the most doesn’t act like it and doesn’t make you feel the way they should: no uncertainty about your preciousness and your value.
Letting go of someone you love more than your well-being is extremely hard, yet extremely necessary. You can’t make someone show you the kind of love you need when you don’t show up for your self-care tasks. Loving yourself is not putting up with unnecessary drama, it’s not letting other people decide about where you should be going or what you should be doing, it’s not having a forgiving heart that lets people with no right to walk all over you do it, it’s not not saying “No, I’m done.” because maybe this time it’ll be different. Things don’t change unless YOU change. The power has been within yourself the whole time but you have been so damn busy trying to get it from someone else’s hands that you have constantly found yourself walking through “Disappointment street” with a loving heart aching for the lack of understanding, gentleness and empathy of the world.
The bad news is that you can’t change people’s outcomes, but you absolutely can choose your beginnings. It is one of the roughest paths but it assures a great ending. Building yourself and getting through the times of self-doubt where it is tempting to run back to what shattered you in pieces is a very rewarding feeling. DO NOT let people mess around with your head. Know that when it’s right, you’ll know. Know that when it’s not, you’ll be confused.
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